Conflict Resolution-Even With Yourself
Conflict. Just the very mention of the word and most people tense up like none other. I hate…HATE conflict. I avoid it at all costs because not only does it stir my anxiety up, but I cannot stand being at odds with someone. However, I’ve learned that there are times when it is absolutely unavoidable. Have you ever had a conflict with yourself? I know I have had many arguments in my head about different things. Before everyone thinks I am completely off my rocker, let me explain.
The time I am arguing in my head is usually in the car when I am all alone…although I have been known to do it with my wife and kids in the car. What happens is this. I’ll be contemplating a situation I am dealing with…either with my dad or mom, my brother, Sherri, my kids, in addition it used to be my boss at work, a co-worker, or some situation that I would be trying to avoid for one reason or another. What I will do is have a conversation in my head trying to play different scenarios out. Most times, I get the hand gestures and the head nodding thing going, and then Sherri goes, “You ok over there?” What I’m really doing is getting how the person or person’s will react, say and do so I can be prepared for any appropriate response I may need to handle. When I get in the heat of the moment, I have a hard time saying what I am thinking…although these days I am getting better at thinking on my feet. The problem, however, is that I work myself up to the point that I get angry, frustrated or thinking I am beat…all before the conversation even happens at this point. It usually scares me off or puts my walls up so that when I DO talk to the person, I am already on the defensive because I’ve pre-played the scenario out already. 90% of the time, the conversation never happens the way I expect. I’ve worked myself up for nothing, or I have started a conflict unnecessarily.
The worst conflict however, is having conflict within ourselves. Most of the time, no one knows about it and worse yet, we tear ourselves apart and we don’t spend time rebuilding what we have torn apart inside.
Today, we are going to undertake this idea of conflict. Open your Bibles to Philippians 4:2-9. If you would, read along with me.
2 I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. 3 Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
The first thing we see here is a conflict between two women, Euodia and Syntyche. Apparently, these two have worked very closely with each other in the past. Paul even says that at one point, they contended together with Paul at his side for the cause of the Gospel. They were very close friends and were united together in Christ for his cause, like we talked a few weeks ago in Chapter 2:1-4. They shared blood, sweat and tears together, but now, they were at odds.
When I was in Culinary school back in 02-03, I worked at an upscale grocery store in the deli to gain experience of working with some high end products that you don’t get to see very often like foie gras, truffles, prosciutto, and exotic cheeses. Well after a couple months, I met a man named Tony. I had no idea who he was or what he did, but he came in a few times and we got to know each other quite well because he loved the food we offered in the deli. Eventually, I found out that he was the Senior Liaison for the dining services contracted between Sodexho and Northwestern University…not exactly a small position. He gave me his card and told me to call him if I wanted a full time job with the company. I took him up on his offer. Two weeks later, I was the Pantry Chef Supervisor for the biggest dining hall on campus and I also was in Research and Development finding and creating new recipes for the campus. Everything was perfect…however, there was one problem. The two ladies that worked for me were Bosnian. Did I mention they spoke very little English? Oh! And they did NOT speak to one another either. Yeah, I had a major problem. There was only one other guy who spoke Bosnian on the campus and he even told me that they hate each other and it would be fruitless to attempt to get them to talk. I was stuck. After a couple months, we were having major problems. They would not prep food for each other, they were doing what they needed for themselves and nothing else. The dining hall manager and I decided to get our Bosnian friend and have a meeting with my two employees, the translator, the dining hall Executive Chef and himself. No sooner than we got into the room and they started arguing with each other blaming each other for the problems that were going on. We had not even told them why they were there yet! After 20 minutes, we got to the bottom of the issue of why they didn’t talk. They thought the other didn’t like them. So, they stopped talking…because of a misunderstanding!!! Then they starting teaming up on me! Wow, did that backfire! Afterwards, they were laughing talking and having a grand ole’ time, work got done and the operation never ran better.
You see, when we are in turmoil with one another, things just cannot run correctly. Whether it is at work, school, play, church, family or with a friend, we must take the first step to clear things up. As Christians, we have a duty to confront conflict and resolve it, just as Paul is doing here with Euodia and Syntyche.
The next issue of conflict we see Paul talking about here is ourselves. He does not come out directly and say it, but I believe there is more to the word anxious. I suffer from anxiety issues, and I know firsthand that anxiety is a battle with the self. I trust in God and know that I am safe within him, but I battle with, as the definition states, “self doubt about one’s capacity to cope with it (meaning the given situation).”
I was curious while I was writing my sermon this past week and I found an alarming statistic. There are 19.1 MILLION people in the U.S. alone who suffer from anxiety related disorders. Friends, that is just over 13% of the population of the U.S. Just a little food for thought, 19.1 Million was the estimated population of the New York City metropolitan area several years ago. Last year, it was estimated at 22.2 million. In any case, everyone who has anxiety issues could fit in the New York Metropolitan area. That, my friends is a scary proposition. Apparently, it was even an issue way back in Paul’s day as well. So, if it is such an issue, how do we deal with it? Paul tells us that by praying about our problems, submitting our requests to God and being thankful we can present our case to our God. God is good and he will guard our hearts and minds with his peace. But, there’s more to the story.
The next part of our scripture is where Paul gives us a list of 6 things to keep in mind, and another 4 things to put into practice to help us get through conflicts, whether it be with another person, ourselves, or mediating a conflict between two people. Paul is notorious, as we have found out in Philippians alone, for giving us lists of things. Let’s dig into this idea a little bit more.
First, let’s look at the 8 things to keep in mind. Truth is the first thing Paul tells us to keep in mind. When we are in the midst of conflict, we have a tendency to put our perspective on it shading it to one particular point of view. We can also manufacture details about things that did not happen. So Paul tells us to keep the truth at the forefront of our mind.
Second, Paul tells us to keep in mind nobility. Usually we think of this as being in a Royal family in England or something. Well, yes, keep in mind that we are Royal heirs to the Kingdom of God along with Christ. So, we should keep honorable behavior in our mind as well. As nobles in God’s kingdom, we are responsible for modeling this kind of behavior.
Third, we are to keep righteousness in view. I know the text says “whatever is right”, but the original Greek actually suggests proper, righteous, upright or just. In other words, morality. We must keep the moral law in mind while we deal with this situation.
The fourth item is purity. Now, it is close to morality, but actually, it refers to being spotless and without blame. The only way to achieve this is having our salvation in Christ.
The fifth item is lovely. Yeah, I was rather confused on this one too until I dug a little deeper. I found that the original Greek refers to being something pleasing or agreeable. I think perhaps a word that you might identify with would be harmony or grace. In order to resolve conflict, we must have the grace and ability to maintain harmony.
Admirable, finally, is number six. Paul is basically telling us here whatever is praiseworthy keep this in our thoughts as well. Before you give constructive criticism to someone, always praise them for something good they’ve done. Whoever we are trying to resolve our problem with is much more likely to accept what we have to say if we can give them a compliment as well.
Let me state each one of those one more time, truth, noble, righteous, pure, lovely, and admirable. These are the six qualities we need to keep in mind is resolving conflict.
Finally, the four things that we need to put into practice in addition to the 6 things to keep in mind are things that we can read about in Paul’s letters, and other places in the Gospel. Not only this, but Paul takes his example from Christ himself. So, I rather think of what Paul is telling us to put into action is about Christ, not himself. The Philippians had a living example in Paul to take from. They knew Paul very well and could use this in their walk, for us, we can not only use Paul, but Christ as well.
Whatever we have learned about Christ, received from the Holy Spirit, heard about Christ, or seen in God’s work, put these things into practice. Basically put; stand on the Word of God, and you’ll never stand alone again. Put these 10 things into practice to resolve the various conflicts in your life, whether they be from the world or conflict within yourself, if you follow God’s lead, pray, submit your request with thanksgiving to God, and let His peace surround you.
I want to encourage you this morning to go forward from here, free from anxiety, willing to step in during conflict and put forth Paul’s plan of attack for conflict in your life…even the conflict within yourself.
The time I am arguing in my head is usually in the car when I am all alone…although I have been known to do it with my wife and kids in the car. What happens is this. I’ll be contemplating a situation I am dealing with…either with my dad or mom, my brother, Sherri, my kids, in addition it used to be my boss at work, a co-worker, or some situation that I would be trying to avoid for one reason or another. What I will do is have a conversation in my head trying to play different scenarios out. Most times, I get the hand gestures and the head nodding thing going, and then Sherri goes, “You ok over there?” What I’m really doing is getting how the person or person’s will react, say and do so I can be prepared for any appropriate response I may need to handle. When I get in the heat of the moment, I have a hard time saying what I am thinking…although these days I am getting better at thinking on my feet. The problem, however, is that I work myself up to the point that I get angry, frustrated or thinking I am beat…all before the conversation even happens at this point. It usually scares me off or puts my walls up so that when I DO talk to the person, I am already on the defensive because I’ve pre-played the scenario out already. 90% of the time, the conversation never happens the way I expect. I’ve worked myself up for nothing, or I have started a conflict unnecessarily.
The worst conflict however, is having conflict within ourselves. Most of the time, no one knows about it and worse yet, we tear ourselves apart and we don’t spend time rebuilding what we have torn apart inside.
Today, we are going to undertake this idea of conflict. Open your Bibles to Philippians 4:2-9. If you would, read along with me.
2 I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. 3 Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
The first thing we see here is a conflict between two women, Euodia and Syntyche. Apparently, these two have worked very closely with each other in the past. Paul even says that at one point, they contended together with Paul at his side for the cause of the Gospel. They were very close friends and were united together in Christ for his cause, like we talked a few weeks ago in Chapter 2:1-4. They shared blood, sweat and tears together, but now, they were at odds.
When I was in Culinary school back in 02-03, I worked at an upscale grocery store in the deli to gain experience of working with some high end products that you don’t get to see very often like foie gras, truffles, prosciutto, and exotic cheeses. Well after a couple months, I met a man named Tony. I had no idea who he was or what he did, but he came in a few times and we got to know each other quite well because he loved the food we offered in the deli. Eventually, I found out that he was the Senior Liaison for the dining services contracted between Sodexho and Northwestern University…not exactly a small position. He gave me his card and told me to call him if I wanted a full time job with the company. I took him up on his offer. Two weeks later, I was the Pantry Chef Supervisor for the biggest dining hall on campus and I also was in Research and Development finding and creating new recipes for the campus. Everything was perfect…however, there was one problem. The two ladies that worked for me were Bosnian. Did I mention they spoke very little English? Oh! And they did NOT speak to one another either. Yeah, I had a major problem. There was only one other guy who spoke Bosnian on the campus and he even told me that they hate each other and it would be fruitless to attempt to get them to talk. I was stuck. After a couple months, we were having major problems. They would not prep food for each other, they were doing what they needed for themselves and nothing else. The dining hall manager and I decided to get our Bosnian friend and have a meeting with my two employees, the translator, the dining hall Executive Chef and himself. No sooner than we got into the room and they started arguing with each other blaming each other for the problems that were going on. We had not even told them why they were there yet! After 20 minutes, we got to the bottom of the issue of why they didn’t talk. They thought the other didn’t like them. So, they stopped talking…because of a misunderstanding!!! Then they starting teaming up on me! Wow, did that backfire! Afterwards, they were laughing talking and having a grand ole’ time, work got done and the operation never ran better.
You see, when we are in turmoil with one another, things just cannot run correctly. Whether it is at work, school, play, church, family or with a friend, we must take the first step to clear things up. As Christians, we have a duty to confront conflict and resolve it, just as Paul is doing here with Euodia and Syntyche.
The next issue of conflict we see Paul talking about here is ourselves. He does not come out directly and say it, but I believe there is more to the word anxious. I suffer from anxiety issues, and I know firsthand that anxiety is a battle with the self. I trust in God and know that I am safe within him, but I battle with, as the definition states, “self doubt about one’s capacity to cope with it (meaning the given situation).”
I was curious while I was writing my sermon this past week and I found an alarming statistic. There are 19.1 MILLION people in the U.S. alone who suffer from anxiety related disorders. Friends, that is just over 13% of the population of the U.S. Just a little food for thought, 19.1 Million was the estimated population of the New York City metropolitan area several years ago. Last year, it was estimated at 22.2 million. In any case, everyone who has anxiety issues could fit in the New York Metropolitan area. That, my friends is a scary proposition. Apparently, it was even an issue way back in Paul’s day as well. So, if it is such an issue, how do we deal with it? Paul tells us that by praying about our problems, submitting our requests to God and being thankful we can present our case to our God. God is good and he will guard our hearts and minds with his peace. But, there’s more to the story.
The next part of our scripture is where Paul gives us a list of 6 things to keep in mind, and another 4 things to put into practice to help us get through conflicts, whether it be with another person, ourselves, or mediating a conflict between two people. Paul is notorious, as we have found out in Philippians alone, for giving us lists of things. Let’s dig into this idea a little bit more.
First, let’s look at the 8 things to keep in mind. Truth is the first thing Paul tells us to keep in mind. When we are in the midst of conflict, we have a tendency to put our perspective on it shading it to one particular point of view. We can also manufacture details about things that did not happen. So Paul tells us to keep the truth at the forefront of our mind.
Second, Paul tells us to keep in mind nobility. Usually we think of this as being in a Royal family in England or something. Well, yes, keep in mind that we are Royal heirs to the Kingdom of God along with Christ. So, we should keep honorable behavior in our mind as well. As nobles in God’s kingdom, we are responsible for modeling this kind of behavior.
Third, we are to keep righteousness in view. I know the text says “whatever is right”, but the original Greek actually suggests proper, righteous, upright or just. In other words, morality. We must keep the moral law in mind while we deal with this situation.
The fourth item is purity. Now, it is close to morality, but actually, it refers to being spotless and without blame. The only way to achieve this is having our salvation in Christ.
The fifth item is lovely. Yeah, I was rather confused on this one too until I dug a little deeper. I found that the original Greek refers to being something pleasing or agreeable. I think perhaps a word that you might identify with would be harmony or grace. In order to resolve conflict, we must have the grace and ability to maintain harmony.
Admirable, finally, is number six. Paul is basically telling us here whatever is praiseworthy keep this in our thoughts as well. Before you give constructive criticism to someone, always praise them for something good they’ve done. Whoever we are trying to resolve our problem with is much more likely to accept what we have to say if we can give them a compliment as well.
Let me state each one of those one more time, truth, noble, righteous, pure, lovely, and admirable. These are the six qualities we need to keep in mind is resolving conflict.
Finally, the four things that we need to put into practice in addition to the 6 things to keep in mind are things that we can read about in Paul’s letters, and other places in the Gospel. Not only this, but Paul takes his example from Christ himself. So, I rather think of what Paul is telling us to put into action is about Christ, not himself. The Philippians had a living example in Paul to take from. They knew Paul very well and could use this in their walk, for us, we can not only use Paul, but Christ as well.
Whatever we have learned about Christ, received from the Holy Spirit, heard about Christ, or seen in God’s work, put these things into practice. Basically put; stand on the Word of God, and you’ll never stand alone again. Put these 10 things into practice to resolve the various conflicts in your life, whether they be from the world or conflict within yourself, if you follow God’s lead, pray, submit your request with thanksgiving to God, and let His peace surround you.
I want to encourage you this morning to go forward from here, free from anxiety, willing to step in during conflict and put forth Paul’s plan of attack for conflict in your life…even the conflict within yourself.
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